Lonira Honey Sticks

I sat in my gynecologist's office and told her I can't climax anymore, I feel absolutely nothing, and my marriage is suffering. She looked at me and said "Well, you're not going to have that desire anymore, so you'll just have to schedule time for it." I left crying. Like, how am I supposed to schedule getting molested while feeling awful? That doesn't work for EITHER of us. A friend sent me these honey sticks with a note that said "just try it." I was skeptical but desperate. Around week three something shifted. I stopped tensing when he touched my shoulder. The nightly guilt started lifting. Last weekend I didn't schedule anything — I just wanted him. He kept asking if I was okay like I'd been possessed or something. For the first time in two years I don't have to force it. I want it. The desire came back naturally. My doctor's "schedule intimacy" advice can go in the trash where it belongs.

I'm being brutally honest here. Food replaced sex in my life. I gained 30 pounds because at least eating gave me some kind of pleasure. I couldn't even get into my own jeans anymore. My husband stopped trying about six months ago and I don't even blame him at this point. I saw someone on Reddit mention Lonira and ordered it out of pure desperation. Week four I caught myself staring at him while he was fixing the kitchen sink and actually thinking about pulling him into the bedroom. That afternoon we had sex. Real sex. Where I wanted it and initiated it. He cried after. I cried. We forgot we could still do that to each other. I'm down 12 pounds now not because I'm dieting but because I'm not eating my feelings anymore. I'm living them. This gave me back something I thought was gone forever.

Four months ago I moved to the guest room because I couldn't handle lying next to him knowing he wanted me and I felt absolutely nothing. "Temporary" I said. It wasn't temporary. My best friend heard me crying on the phone about it and sent me these honey sticks without even asking. I thought it was stupid but I started taking them every morning because what did I have to lose. Three weeks in I walked back into our bedroom and got into bed next to him. He didn't say anything, just held my hand. Two nights later I didn't just lie there. I wanted him. Actively wanted him. He asked three times if I was sure. I'm back in our bed and I'm staying. The distance that menopause created is closing. I didn't think that was possible.

I love my husband. We have a good relationship. But when he touched me in that specific way that signals he wants sex, something inside me went ice cold. My immediate visceral reaction was rage. Not sadness, not discomfort — rage. I've been doing this for 18 months. Smiling, deflecting, finding reasons to leave the room. My sister mailed me Lonira with a note that said "this worked for me, please try." I'm on day 35 now. Last night he put his hand on my lower back in the kitchen and instead of that cold rage I felt warmth. I turned around and kissed him. He actually froze like I'd slapped him. I laughed and pulled him toward the bedroom. The rage is just gone. I don't know how else to explain it. It's like whatever was making my skin want to escape my body when he touched me just isn't there anymore. I feel like myself again.

My husband and I went six months without sex because he said he'd rather stop hoping something would happen and be disappointed. He'd rather plan on nothing. I was dreading when he'd finally say "we need to talk" or "what are you doing to fix this." A coworker mentioned Lonira and I ordered it secretly because I was embarrassed. Five weeks in we were watching a movie and I kissed him first. Real kissing. He pulled back and asked if I was feeling okay. We didn't finish the movie. The next morning he was smiling at his coffee. I haven't seen him smile like that in over a year. I got my husband back. Not the roommate version — the actual man I married.